Feeling like a “bad” or “failed” man
Many contributors describe a quiet, lifelong sense that they are somehow defective as males. One man recalls, “I absorbed the message that masculinity equals aggression, emotional shutdown, and dominance. Because I’m gentle and cry easily, I concluded I must be a broken man.” – Alex source [citation:alex1] This feeling is not about an inner identity; it is the result of swallowing rigid rules about what a man “should” be. When a boy learns that sensitivity is un-manly, he can turn that judgment inward and label his own personality as wrong. Internalised misandry, then, is the private belief that ordinary male traits—softness, vulnerability, artistic tastes—are shameful or dangerous.

The double bind of gender policing
People also notice that the same culture that mocks “toxic masculinity” often ridicules men who step outside it. A commenter writes, “I was told to ‘be less macho,’ but when I wore nail polish my friends called me ‘not a real guy.’ Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” – Sam source [citation:sam2] This double bind keeps men cycling between self-hatred for fitting the stereotype and self-hatred for breaking it. The pressure does not come from an innate identity; it comes from social rules that refuse to let boys be whole human beings.

Non-binary labels can reinforce the cage
Some try to escape the bind by calling themselves non-binary. Yet, as one person observes, “I thought saying I was ‘non-binary’ freed me, but it still treated ‘man’ and ‘woman’ as fixed boxes. I had to invent a new box instead of asking why we need boxes at all.” – Jordan source [citation:jordan3] When the only way to justify gentle or emotional behaviour is to claim a different gender label, the stereotypes remain unchallenged. True freedom lies in gender non-conformity—simply living as a gentle man, a tough woman, or any other combination—without needing a new identity to excuse it.

Healing through self-compassion and community
Recovery starts with recognising that the rules are made-up. Therapy, men’s support circles, and friendships built on honesty help replace shame with curiosity. One participant shares, “Talking to other men who knit, cry, and love poetry showed me I’m not defective. The system is.” – Lee source [citation:lee4] By naming the stereotypes and sharing real stories, men can dismantle internalised misandry together.

You are not broken; the story you were handed is. When you allow yourself to feel, to create, to nurture, and to connect—regardless of what the rulebook says—you reclaim the full range of being human. The path forward is not a new label or a medical procedure; it is the steady practice of living authentically and inviting others to do the same.